I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
