my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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