just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
His hands were made for my vagina.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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