Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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