I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
