No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
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I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
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We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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