Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
