just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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