You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
