mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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