I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
