i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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