I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
