Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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