i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
