ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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