im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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