i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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