Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
