i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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