its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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