So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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