I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
fuck your aforementioned shoe
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I want her autograph on my taint
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
