Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
