It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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