Your mouth is God's brothel.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
