If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
How does one acquire holy water?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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