I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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