where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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