I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He? As in you personified your dick?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
