i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
