Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
