I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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