One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
