He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
