rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
