Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
