if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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