my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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