Pants 0. Shit 1.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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