why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
