I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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