im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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