Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
