if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.