I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.