I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.