Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants