i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
