Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
