It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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