After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
bring money and cleavage
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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