help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
