Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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