I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
