Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
