Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
