Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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